Over the past few days I’ve been reading Steven Pressfield’s Turning Pro.
It’s a book that started showing up for me in 2012. From the first moment it waltzed into my life through God-knows-where on the internet, I knew I had to read it. But since my intellect, in its supreme arrogance, decided that there was nothing this book could teach or show me that I couldn’t teach or show myself… Well.
Fast forward to 2016.
Turning Pro has “shown up” for me, ever so gently, multiple times. When I wasn’t looking, when I had forgotten all about its existence, when the last thing I wanted to do was read someone else’s book instead of write or finish my own.
The Uni-Verse is supremely patient.
Each time Turning Pro popped back into my unwilling awareness, I knew in my heart that I was being called to read it, and to embrace the invitation of turning pro myself. But as resistance of all sorts spoke louder than words and intuitive insights, I turned away from this call each and every time.
I remained a dabbler… and amateurish mess… a hobbyist.
Silent terror and lack of clarity reigned supreme. Until a few days ago. It seems that the inner work I’ve been doing is starting to pay off. Turning Pro showed up again, and this time I said, “Ok Heart / God / Source / Infinite Intelligence / All-That-Is. I get the message. I hear the call. I give up running away. I resign myself to reading this book. It actually feels good when I pause long enough to pay attention to its energy. It feels promising, and light, and full of catching-up-with-myself-and-my-own-truth-and-power-and-calling. I say Yes. I turn this resignation into positive aspiration. I’ll walk this way, in the right direction. The gentle whispers of the Uni-Verse are always the most potent guidance.”
Well, let me tell you… Turning Pro is an education for the writer who has been running around in circles, like I have for many years.
At this time I’m only a third of the way into the book, and I will probably have a lot more to say about it in coming posts, but I can already highly recommend it. So far, there’s only one thing I’ve run across, in what Steven Pressfield says, that I cannot support as truth. But more on that later.
I wish to talk about resistance.
Today I woke up, reached for my Kindle to read Turning Pro for a few minutes before actually starting my day, and was subsequently delighted to find, in my whole being, a pristine urge to write before breakfast. Energy surged in my heart, spilling up through my throat and my head, only to die at the shore of my etheric body, not even making it out to the edges of my auric field.
“WTF?!” I thought.
I turned my attention to that sweet urge to write once more, wishing to connect with its driven and passionate, its joyful and exuberant vibrations. But these expressions felt caged in, limited by an unseen force I didn’t even care to investigate.
I’m honestly very tired of dealing with resistance, and it’s quite enough to deal with my own internal ones. But since I recently decided to turn pro, I made myself deal with this unexpected, external source of compression and limitation.
I decided that it did not matter how it came to be, that I would simply tap on it.
[For those of you not familiar with EFT Tapping, do yourself an immense favor and check it out!]
So I voiced the rather ridiculous feeling constricting my urge to write:
“Even though I’m not allowed to write, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I’m not allowed to write anything at all, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I’m not allowed to write my books or novels, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Each statement got clearer as I went along. The best way to tap is just to surrender to the moment and the feelings and thoughts that come up. Whatever shows up, judge not and follow. This is my motto. It has served me well in improvisational EFT Tapping over the years.
This morning, I came to surprising statements, which showed up organically through the tapping process:
- My brother doesn’t want me to write.
- My brother fears my writing.
- My brother fears me writing about him.
- My brother is terrified of the power of my writing.
In the aftermath of this short tapping session, astounded at what I discovered and at how quickly the energetic bondage around me dissipated with each passing statement, I sat quietly on the bed, coming to terms with this tough truth.
My brother doesn’t want me to write, or to become a writer, or to call myself a writer. This is why he once told me, emphatically and with great put-down energy in his voice, that people don’t read.
“People don’t read. You can’t write all this bullshit nonsense (in reference to copy on a website I was creating) because no one is going to read any of it.”
He carved a sizeable dent in my wholeness that day. I lost much of my trust in myself, in my writing, and in God’s plan for me, as a result of taking my brother’s words to heart. I felt bruised, shaken, distressed and completely lost.
And this is the problem, isn’t it?
Allowing my brother’s wishes, desires and intentions to have any influence over me is my own doing. A weakness, perhaps. Or an old habit.
Maybe, at one point in time in my life, this karmic agreement or energetic connection between my brother and I served my highest good. But it no longer does. It hasn’t, in many ways, for many years.
It’s time I let go of his opinions, fears and silent requests, at least where I and my life are concerned. It’s time for me to grow up and turn pro with all my heart, as the Uni-Verse and Steven Pressfield suggest.
Not everyone will like what I do.
Not everyone will agree with my choices.
My books and essays and short stories won’t be for everyone either.
I have to be willing to let go of the people, places, activities, thoughts, beliefs and assumptions that no longer serve the highest expression of my soul on this planet. This, more than anything else, has been my biggest internal resistance. Letting go and letting God takes an immense amount of willpower, among other things.
But just As Above, So Below… As Within, So Without.
My brother’s binding energies can only latch onto me because I am, in some way (however differently) constricting myself. The external — both seen and unseen — matches the internal. My solution lies in letting go.
May I be free. May I write freely. May I let go of all that constrains me.